Here we are in the beginning of May and I thought things were looking up, oh my goddess was I ever wrong. Between the Covid-19, my mental health and all around absurdity of humanity I am absolutely at a loss. I always told myself even if I had a tiny platform that I would use it to bare my soul, and that this would be my safe space to express my feelings. Therefore if by chance someone ever comes across this and they feel attacked, offended or like I am aiming it at them- I will not apologize. I have spent so many years keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself, I am at an age and point in my life where keeping it bottled up is harmful to me. Also, what is that old saying? “If the shoe fits….”
My living situation is less than ideal and I know what people will say… “You’re ungrateful”, “You could have it so much worse” and “At least you’ve got a roof over your head and food on your mouth”. Yes, all of those things are true but that is the toxicity that invalidates feelings….and all feelings are valid. I am in my 30’s and I made some choices in my life a few years ago that caused me to hit rock bottom and lose everything. I accept that and the guilt I have from that will follow me to my grave. I blame no one else for my decisions or where I am today but myself. At the same time though, there is a lot of things i have kept inside my whole life and that causes me to have animosity toward certain people. You might say, why not just get it out in the open? Surely that will help fix it… No, it won’t, these are things that even Adam will never know and I surely am not going to drag up trauma that I have never told anyone. I see all these people and they are so brave coming forward and telling their stories. With that same bravery though I see the people saying “why are you only saying this now” or “if that really happened why did you not say something then”…. This is so toxic, but it hits different when it relates to you. The thing is what happens to us when we are younger does in fact shape who we are, and for people like me- it fucked me up big time. So living in the house I am living in tends to drudge a bunch of old trauma up for me. Not necessarily by the people inhabiting the home, but the way I was made to feel. It pushed me away, it made me put myself in dangerous situations, stay in abusive relationships and caused me to be a piece of shit for many years. Therapy helped, medication helped…for a while. These are my memories, my trauma and my scars to carry with me and I am not okay, I will never be okay.
I look at my son and I swear he is the guiding light in my life. He chose me and I will forever be grateful to the universe for giving him to me. I never want his childhood to be like mine, I never want him to feel or experience the things I did as a child. I want him to come to me, speak to me, trust in me and know that no matter what I have most likely been through what he is going through. I find myself having to take a breather sometimes because I am getting frustrated or angry, but that comes with the parent territory. This is my son to raise, these are my years to spend teaching him how I want to teach him- no one else. At times that is taken from me, I am made to feel incompetent or like I am doing wrong. In raising a child, you’re going to make mistakes…hell I know I have made my fair share already, but they are MINE to make. At times I am made to feel i do too little, too much, I don’t have enough patience, I have too much patience… It’s a game i feel like I can never win in my current situation. This frustrates me and triggers a lot of emotions, emotions I do not want my son to see. One day he will be grown and then we can sit and talk and I will tell him whatever he may want to know, until then I just want him to be happy and be a child. He has sensory processing disorder, and I think sometime other people don’t understand that. They will say he is being a brat, he will have to do it in the real world and to just get over it. It hurts my soul to hear these things said to him. Even though he may not express it I can see it in his eyes he is understanding that others are NOT understanding him. He has (what the doctors and teachers are calling) early ADHD, so I know things will be more difficult for him given that and the SPD. I do all I can, but it is hard to do what I feel is right with that voice saying I am wrong. He is making tremendous strides and all of his speech, OT and Aide time has been cut down to half… I just worry with him not being in school due to all this he could regress, he is already showing signs of it. I am not a teacher and this is not a classroom, no matter how hard I try. This also makes me feel like I am not doing enough, I just want to help him thrive.
I did not plan on this being so long, but damn it feels good to get it out. My goals I feel like are unattainable for the situation I am in. I know the whole you can do anything you put your mind to speech, but I am not only a realist I am a pessimist too… Double whammy. I am so in debt from student loans from going to medical assistant school, all for me to graduate, do my internship get the job and then quit. It was too depressing. I saw how many doctors did not care, and my breaking point was when the doctor and nurse mocked a 12 year old girl with brain cancer. I knew it was not for me, I got into help people…but many times it is just a money game. My goal is to go to school to be a funeral home director or work in one. I can see your face now…WTF but they are dead. Yes, but they are beyond my help and I could be the one to help their family cope with everything. They may not be there anymore, but I will be there to send them off with love and be able to assist their loved ones. The dead do not bother me, I feel a strange connection to the dark side-in a not creepy way. Fact of life is, people die and they always will…better to embrace it and bring some beauty into it.
So after all of my long rant what this entry boils down to is… I am a hot mess, I don’t have things figured out, my life is the definition of chaotic but I am honest. People use their blogs in many ways: as a way to work on business, collaborations, work their side hustle and the way I use it…an electronic diary. I may not write about the things that appeal to everyone, but that’s okay. I may not have the prettiest blog, the best grammar or get my point across- but I am me. I feel better after letting lose on my blog, and I feel like even if one person in the world sees it and can relate than it was all worth it. Stay tuned to read more rants about life, mental health, politics and frankly whatever the fuck else I choose to say.